Dr. Karyn Purvis is a developmental psychologist who has devoted her life to children. Her unique gift to children who have experienced trauma or deprivation during the early years of their lives and the parents who raise them is a set of research based principles for empowering, connecting, and correcting. In her DVD, Healing Children Through Trust and Relationships, Dr. Purvis explains how harm during the critical stages of brain growth causes significant disruptions in a child’s development and behaviors. Dr. Purvis shares that these children have learned to respond to much of life in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. The principles and strategies she shares with care givers help children to over come the deficits that spark these responses.
There is a precious, dark-haired, dark eyed beauty that frequents my space. Her name is Willow. This month was a difficult one for her. She brought home bad behavior notices frequently during her first weeks of kindergarten. She kicked. She bit. She refused to follow instructions. She ran from the classroom. She turned over her desk. She punched holes in her papers. Fighting, fleeing, freezing - when she was confused by her new environment she did what came naturally.
One can guess that Willow is a child who had a traumatic beginning. We know that she spent the first two and a half years of her life in an orphanage. The condition of the womb that held her can only be left to the imagination. No one knows whether she was well cared for and cherished or abused in utero.
I think that I am not so much different from sweet, precious Willow. In the physical realm I was born into a loving family. I had the nurturing, loving care necessary for proper brain function to develop which empowered me and connected me. I did not have a disasterous school start in kindergarten. But, thanks to Adam and Eve, my spiritual birth was not so lovely. I was born into a fallen world, rather than into the instant embrace of Father God. My spirit experienced a deprivation that God never intended for me to experience when he first created man. As a result, I’ve done a fair amount of fighting with God. I’ve done my share of running from God. I’ve stood, frozen in fear, before God. If there were a spiritual kindergarten I am sure I would have been entirely unmanageable!
But there is good news. Sweet, sweet little Willow was adopted into a loving home. Her mother and father are recognizing her unique needs. They are making every effort to parent her in ways that will empower and connect her. They are working to meet her needs and help her reach her highest potential. Through a relationship of trust she is learning that she does not need to fight. She is learning that running into daddy’s arms is much better than running away. She is learning to melt into mommy’s hug rather than freeze her body and heart. Over time she will learn to choose appropriate behaviors at school without her parents there to regulate her.
Through faith in the saving work of Christ Jesus I have been adopted into the family of God. He has made every effort to parent me in ways that empower and connect me. He has worked to meet my needs and help me to reach my highest potential. He has shown himself trustworthy and invites me into his arms. I am fighting with him less and less. I am learning to run into his arms rather than run away. There I am strong. I am safe. I can relax. I can be me.
In my life and Willow’s fighting, fleeing, freezing are being conquered by trustful relationship with someone who loves us. Whether or not there are loving parents stepping up to the plate, there is a loving Father God waiting with arms open wide.
Chapter 4 from Dr. Karyn Purvis’s book, The Connected Child can be found here:
http://www.child.tcu.edu/Book/The%20Connected%20Child%20Chapter%20Four.pdf
